Kodak moment!

My life changed forever on Aug 31st 2007 – gave birth to the most beautiful creation – my daughter Indira at 9:07am on Friday, Aug 31st.
She was not due for another two weeks….but I guess she realized how impatient I was getting to see her! She decided to step (rather jump out) into this world earlier than expected. My waters broke early that morning (at approx. 2:30am). Thanks to reading all about child birth during these 9 months, I knew exactly what to do and did not panic at all. I knew I had to get admitted immediately in the nursing home and my baby would be born today. I was so excited! But it wasn’t the case with my parents – there were so nervous and were totally caught off guard! I had to calm them and then call the nursing home to inform I was on my way.
The contractions had not yet begun………so I was completely at ease when I reached the hospital, even the resident doctor (a really helpful guy) was surprised. My doctor, whom I was consulting, was out of station. So another doctor came in to take my case. Still I wasn’t nervous. The doc informed me that labour would be induced. I was all eager for it to start. The docs were surprised at my enthusiasm! At finally at 630am, I went into labor. It was torture! What made the situation worse were the hundred and one advices you get from everyone around you as to how to handle the pain! I had read all about it and was prepared for it. But the aayas made me lie down for the pain…….while I was more comfortable not lying down! I screamed at everyone around me, including my mother. Take my advice, and never go near a woman in labor! You may even get kicked at! Trust me, when you are in labor, having people speak to you and be around you also irritated you. You are best left alone to deal with it.
All I wanted was to have the baby quickly and get over this pain. But the doc comes over and tells me the baby would not be due till late afternoon. I was so upset! Imagine having to go through this horrible pain for so many more hours! But as understanding as my daughter is………she was born within the next 2.5 hours…and even the doc wasn’t there when she was born! I was so glad when it was all over……and she was shown to me….I can never forget the moment. A perfect Kodak moment!

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great"

-Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

I am very very happy right now.....and wanted to record this happiness. Hence making a note of this in my blog. I want to capture this time.
Aug 15 - (A very very important day for our country as well)
Seeing you after a whole month (37 days exactly)......in the most unexpected way.....I really wanted to run to you and give you a tight hug - to check if you were real! I just couldn't believe my eyes - couldn't believe that it was you standing at my doorstep, giving the widest, loving smile :)
But I stood frozen.....in total disbelief....hadn't expected this at all. You have given me yet another beautiful surprise, which will remain as one of the moments I would like to keep forever.
How you manage to keep surprising me in the most unusual ways, I have no idea! And as I am writing this entry today.........I am suddenly at a loss of words.....I am unable to write about the happiness that I am feeling today (touch wood!). Just thanking all my lucky stars and God...........for having found you as my partner for life!

Online chatting

I had once been an addict to online chatting...........used to chat for hours at a stretch with my friends and cousins. I used to love to chat. I felt chat is one of the most wonderful creations of mankind! If my workplace did not permit chatting, I used to sulk and criticize the work culture. I felt it was my birth right to be able to chat at anytime, anywhere! It seemed such a blessing as it made this whole world so small........distances didn't matter anymore....we all seemed to be right next to each other in this cyber world. It brought people closer.

But only recently I have come to realize the other side of it as well. The not so good side. Chatting does bring people together........but at the same time, it creates an artificial sense of aloofness in you, that you feel you can actually type anything that comes to your mind, and not have to face the consequences directly, since the person with whom you are chatting with is not physically there with you. But words, being as powerful as they are............the pen is mightier than the sword!!! Once you have pressed the "Enter" key...........there is nothing you can do to reverse it.

In a face to face argument, how ever angry I am, I usually just avoid speaking till my temper cools down. That is the best thing to do I have realized, since my mind temporarily takes an unannounced vacation during an argument. I can never somehow think straight (logically) during a fight. So its best that I shut up during this phase.
But the false sense of power that chatting gives..........I end up talking my head out (which has proven disastrous more than once). At that moment everything feels right.....I feel I have made my point, I was right. I suddenly feel immune to the other person's reactions. But only when I go through it again, do I realize the harm done..........but "Enter" has been pressed.......nothing can be reversed........even a hundred sorries sometimes can't repair it. What in the earth was I thinking while typing all that??? No idea! It seemed so right at that time........why does it seem awfully wrong now? Its because I have come back to my senses.
But I ended up hurting the person I love the most........how I wish I could reverse that.......but one has to pay the price for one's stupidity. Stupidity of arguing without logic. Stupidity of failing to see the other person's point of view. Stupidity of failing to realize that the other person is human too (and not just a computer talking to u!). Stupidity of forgetting how much he loves me! Stupidity of arguing through online chat!!!!

Online chat - I don't like you anymore..........I think I am much better off speaking over the phone.

Goodbyes

I have said good byes before, to people really close to my heart. I knew I would see them again, I knew I would be in touch with them, I knew I would get on with my life just fine in a few days. But the thought of a goodbye itself, makes the whole moment so filled with sadness and grief. But I have said many of those goodbyes. So naturally, I felt this particular goodbye would be the same too......I would be a little sad, that's all.

But it wasn't the same. Then I realised the difference between him and the entire world. Of course, he was special, I knew that....but the extent of grief that was overwhelming me was something I had never experienced before. It exceeded any grief I had felt before while saying goodbye......I felt a part of me going away.....

I knew this moment was coming from a long time. I was the one who had decided to come home to my parents to have my baby. I was the one who chose to be pampered at home and leave him for a whole five months, all alone. I had made this choice. He wanted me to stay for another month atleast......but I got selfish and decided that I needed a lotttt of rest, so came home running to mommy dearest.

Why didn't I think of how difficult it would be to be away from him?? Why didn't I think of the pain I would go through after seeing him go? Why didn't I think of the endless hours I would spend just thinking of him and whether he was well? Why didn't I realise that he has become an inseparable part of my life.....how did I ever think I would manage without being with him for so many months.........every moment, everyday seems to go on for ever.....but I had made this choice.....so I shall carry on ....waiting...for my baby to come into this world....and then rejoin my jaan that I have left back home.

Just like that

I loved this quotation so much.............I just had to put it up here!

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

My fav song....

This one is for you Ramji......

"Its amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you dont say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
Theres a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me when ever I fall
You say it best..when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
Whats been said between your heart and mine

You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
Theres a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me when ever I fall
You say it best..when you say nothing at all"


................Alison Krauss (and more recently by Ronan Keating)

An evening to remember

Was going through my routine life.....the usual...office n home. Dragging myself through each day, with the hope that this is my last week at work. Then am off for a 5 months leave. But this week seemed the longest.....everyday getting to work and back seemed such a tedious affair.

Yesterday was one such normal weekday. Back from home by 7pm....sat munching something to kill my hunger till dinner time and watching TV. My hubby said he would try to get back home early tonite.....but some meeting came up and he would be back only by midnight. I was so looking forward to meeting him for dinner tonight, but duty beckons! So was left to myself to spend the entire evening......all alone.....with my baby performing his somersaults as often as he desired (its amazing how much this tiny bundle of energy moves!).

My friend called up asking him out for dinner with her and her husband.......I was already sulking about being alone, so dinner with them seemed a real nice offer. But felt a teeny weeny bit guilty about going alone without my hubby, when he was slogging it out at work. That guilt didn't linger too long in my mind, and I was back into high spirits as I got ready for the dinner........if only I knew that the dinner invite was just the tip of the iceberg of the evening to come....

My evening was turning out unexpectedly interesting....so the weather felt like contributing her share as well..........rain poured like crazy.....roads clogged with water....traffic jams....but I loved it! It just added so much romance to the evening! A little excitement to my otherwise routine boring day i thought.

We were on our way to the restaurant........and suddenly i find ourselves parked in front of my hubby's office! A slight addition to plans I am told.....my hubby would be coming to dinner with us! I was thrilled beyond words!! I felt this was the best thing to happen! The evening kept getting better.................

More traffic jams on our way..........and thanks to the lashing rain............i had no idea where we were headed! And again, to my total surprise, we are in driving to another friend's house. I was decided that we call them to dinner as well................"great idea" I thought. We went in......greeted their parents....fell in love with their daughter all over again....I am beginning to enjoy my evening after all!

We began to relax and dry ourselves.......playing with Aadya. And then another surprise....to my already full of surprises evening..........a cake arrives................."Welcome to your baby shower".........I was shocked.............this was the last things I was expecting...........I was totally taken by surprise........they had so smartly managed fooling me into this!!!

It was a wonderful feeling......and I enjoyed every moment of it! It made me 'feel pregnant' again....feel pampered....feel special....for me and my baby. It was a gesture I would never be able to forget....it meant so much to me....it just brought back all the excitement of being pregnant.

The otherwise routine boring day turned out to be one of the most exciting and memorable day in my life............a big THANK YOU to the director of the whole evening - Gai3....and all her partners in crime - Shwetha, Vijay, Rajendra, Ramakrishna, Ramji (my sweetheart) and Deli9 (for making the tastiest cheese cake ever!)

Have finally entered my final trimester of my pregnancy! It has begun to feel that i have been pregnant forever!! The bump has begun to make its presence felt........mainly by giving me sleepless nights with the fear that I may trample my baby with my weight if I am not careful with my sleeping posture. Trust me, sleep is one thing that we have to give up once u decide to have kids.....and this big sacrifice (I am a big big fan of sleep.....zzzzzzzz......even spending a couple of hours struggling to sleep is a huge sacrifice for me) starts from before the baby is even born!
Having slept only a few hours at night......coming in to work the next morning is another herculean task. You are still sleepy when you switch on your system in the morning........and the drowsiness keeps getting worse through the day. Your body refuses to co-operate with you......you are left feeling totally fatigued. Somehow I manage to drag myself through the day and slump on my bed the moment I reach home late evening.
But the day doesn't end there........my dear baby has to be fed as well.......something which you can never ever ignore. And being alone with your husband, and no other help at home suddenly seems so difficult to manage. How you wish your mom was there to pamper you and feed you on time....take care of all the nitty gritties of home care. But kya karen, I like to picture myself like this independent woman who can manage everything on her own. So at least to feed this false ego of mine, I carry on.....managing things on my own. After all, there are so many nuclear families around, and all women seem to be managing just fine.
And I know, I can do this too. So drag myself out of bed again.........make some dinner.......feed myself and my baby......and finally get back to bed......spend a few hours trying to sleep in the right posture.....and finally drown myself into deeepppp sleeepppppp.........zzzzzzzzzzzz

Boredom

Boredom is a reactive state of emotion that interprets the condition of one's environment as wearingly dull due to repetitive, non-existent or tedious stimuli. Boredom stems from a lack of interesting things to see, hear, or do (physically or intellectually) when not in the mood of "doing anything."

Against boredom even gods struggle in vain. And so am I!!!

Choices!!

Why does life have to get so complicated sometimes!!! I felt life was going so smoothly....till now...when I am forced to make some decisions. I hate having to take decisions...........i prefer going with the flow. I just hate to choose between two choices.........how easy it would be to have someone else do it for me.........or rather have no choices at all!

Being loved...

Its such a beautiful feeling.....being in love....and something more beautiful is the feeling of being loved :)

I didn't expect love at first sight.....after all, ours was a typical arranged marriage.....we behaved like good obedient kids and tied the knot once our parents felt our match was the perfect one. At this stage in life, I wouldn't argue on that :)

I fell in love with him long before I even realised it. It didn't take much effort actually.
It always remained a question mark for me...........whether he loved me....or just liked me....or was still in the process of getting used to me! He was very loving, caring, and all the things that you would want your husband to be.......but the doubt kept knocking on the back of my mind....but does he love you yet???

I was of the thought the you should let love develop gradually.....because it is something which is felt deep within and not something which you can gain suddenly. Why, then, was I getting so impatient and unsure?? Wasn't it enough that I love him like crazy.....that he is there for me....for life....that he always makes sure that my life is comfortable? No. It just wasn't enough.

I needed to know.......just didn't know how to know. He does say the lovely "I love you"......after a lot of persuasion from my side :) But he has never been verbal about his feelings.......then how would I ever find out???
That kept bothering me until last night.........then I knew. The easiest place to look for it is in their eyes. I saw it in his eyes yesterday.........he loved me.....and I felt complete......his eyes spoke much more than he ever did about the love he feels for me....and it was a wonderful feeling.......the feeling of being loved....

Solitude

In the everyday grind, when was the last time you actaully cut urself out and lived in solitude for sometime? It feels great! Trust me. I did that today. I was speaking to people, making small talk, discussing work..............but my mind had switched off. It actually didn't switch on when I woke up this morning. I didn't want to think anything......I liked the empty feeling....I liked being in a state of self inflicted hibernation.

And now by the end of the day, I feel much more refreshed and happy. Maybe I have been too stressed out lately.......maybe I needed to break away from this world. I needed to be in a world of my own.......where appyling mind and logic was not allowed :)

Its important to do it once in a while, its a favour you do to yourself.

A new life....

My friend once told me that pregnancy is the best marketed concept. It is made to look so rosy and appealing. While in reality, it is very very different! I am now beginning to understand the truth in what she said.....

Being pregnant is a wonderful feeling no doubt, i don't deny that. But people around you should prepare you for harsh realities of it too! I was lucky enough to have friends who just turned moms....so had plenty of advice coming my way! But nothing prepares you for the actual feeling!

I was fortunate enough to get away with only slight morning sickness....but that itself was painful enough! You wake up very morning for the first three months knowing that you will feel hungry, but whatever you eat will make you feel nauseous.....and you have to eat to feed yourself and the baby! The initial thrill of having conceived is usually lost in the morning sickness phase.

Then comes the second trimester.....that's where I am currently...and this is a nice phase. You start enjoying your being pregnant...you start feeling the baby kicking in you...you hear its heartbeat for the first time.....you see your first proper scan of the baby....kicking and punching....its the most amazing time of your pregnant life!! Your stomach slowly starts making its presence felt....and you actually feel good to see it growing!!! Your appetite is great....and you have no problem eating anything....its a great time right now....

But I know the coming months are going to get difficult.....so gearing up for them :)